The Greatest And The Hated- Manchester United’s Best Baddies

It would be stating the obvious to say that Manchester United have been missing something on the pitch these past couple of seasons. What, indeed, have they not been missing?

Forward passing, pace, guile, a basic understanding of where the opponent’s net is and that you win by scoring goals. Yeah, sure, you could certainly say that they’ve been lacking those minor details. But I’m talking about something else- what has been conspicuously absent is a hackle raising, on-pitch hate figure.

Throughout the club’s most prolific years, one unwavering constant, present in correlation with trophies won, was a team member who by merely setting foot on the pitch caused opposition supporters to lose their cool. The kind of player who spends ninety minutes as a straight backed, loose socked, psychic lightning rod, attracting spiteful threats, abusive chants and the occasional flying lighter. What sets the best of these characters apart is that they don’t weather the abuse- they thrive on it. The most self-possessed, ice cold villains, upon realizing that their simple presence in the arena riles the crowd to boiling point, start to insouciantly enjoy it. They ease into their role, inhabit the spite, and ham up the slights and the disingenuous conceits, all the while baiting insidiously the beer-swollen pie eaters in the crowd, the opposition on the field, and even the big screen viewers in the pub, knowing full well that the chaos invoked will work solely to their own advantage. Give them an inch and they’ll take a winner’s medal.

Here are four exceptionally provocative characters, who also happened to be able to kick a ball a bit.

1. Gary Neville

What was it about this unconvincingly moustached, squeaky voiced, relentlessly hectoring full back that so enraged people..? Puff chested and intractable, he grabbed games by the collar and yanked them into place, seizing control of his lines through persistent running and force of will. Neville wasn’t as naturally gifted as his peers, but that just made him work harder, as if he was forcing the sport itself to let him be a serial winner, much to the chagrin of his haters, of whom there was a whole nation. Former teammate Carlos Tevez called him a ‘boot-licking moron’, referring to a perceived sycophancy towards Ferguson, and the Scousers called him far worse at least twice a season. In an entirely unpredictable turnaround, since retiring from playing Neville has become a hugely popular television pundit and is now well liked for his insight, honesty and impartiality. His coaching gigs haven’t worked out so well, but there’s still time for that to come good.

1. Roy Keane

This former captain was sometimes referred to as an on-field embodiment of Ferguson’s will- the Govan man’s drive and instruction made into flesh, shin pads, and a deranged, eyeballing snarl. Keane was violent, with the lithe muscularity of a fighter and an apparent hatred of anyone who went against his will to win, be they on the same side as him or a member of the opposition. In the end he turned on his teammates, for what he regarded as idleness and self-satisfaction, and finally on his boss, Ferguson, at which point he was quickly let go. There is a sense with Keane that he will eventually turn on himself, perhaps smashing a mirror and grasping murderously at his own throat for some almost undetectable drop in personal standards. Has Keane mellowed since he stopped playing? No, Keane has not. He glares at pundits in his media role in just the same way as he used to glare at Arsenal players in the tunnel before a match.

As assistant coach with the Ireland team, it’s an obvious understatement to say that Keane is respected and results driven. And that he glares from the dugout too.

1. Cristiano Ronaldo

The Portuguese attacking phenomenon is a once-in-a-generation type of player, and perhaps the most quintessentially villainous man to have ever pulled on a United shirt. He should draw on a thin cigar and twirl his moustache while preparing to take free kicks, and perhaps wear a single black glove for unknown nefarious reasons.

For many years I was of the impression that Ronaldo played up his bad guy role deliberately, that he got a kick from it, was tongue-in-cheek, and could use it to his advantage. I’m sure though, that since going to the ultimate fruitcake of a club, Real Madrid, he actually has become criminally insane, and for my money, that’s the mark of a true entertainer. If you want stroppy, arm waving tantrums, a basic disrespect for the opposition, shameless attention seeking and smug, Academy Award winning narcissism, then CR7 is your man, and you know what..? That is what I want!

My favourite recent Ronaldo moment is off-the-pitch, when silently, with the air of a handsome schoolyard bully, he wrested the mic from a pesky reporter’s hand and threw it into a lake. The man is pitch perfect, in every performance.

1. Eric Cantona

Slightly different from the others on this list, Cantona is no villain, but he did get in trouble a lot, and he did so with poise. Perhaps Cantona got in trouble because he was the good guy, refusing to kowtow to the conformist, corporate villainy of the lackeys in authority. After his incredible flying kick attack on a xenophobically abusive Crystal Palace supporter in 1993, there was no way that Cantona would be occupying anything other than the moral high ground, but that didn’t stop the FA from banning him. Which in a way puts the FA on the side of xenophobic loudmouths and Cantona in the role of judicial libertine.

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Ensuring that his whole life is lived in intelligent rebellion, Cantona retired early, and has since been at work as an actor, director, painter, and, admirably, an unwaveringly loyal French Mancunian, who said before the last Euros that he would be supporting England rather than France. Sorry Eric, you should’ve backed Iceland. But thank you Eric, for everything.

So, the lesson we can draw is that United need a bad guy, or at the very least a non-conformist, the kind of attention grabbing rebel who holds themselves in exceptionally high regard, a sort of… yeah, you know the rest- the Premier League is about to get Zlataned.