So my friend the other day suggested I do a post talking about what some of the United players are doing with their spare time since they’re not playing in Europe, particularly now that the Champions League has advanced to the knockout stage. He was obviously taking a jab at me about it, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized it could actually be a pretty funny article. Please bear in mind that the only purpose of this article will be for a few chuckles, I’m not trying to make any enemies here. So have some fun with it!
More from Red Devil Armada
- Aaron Wan Bissaka out for ‘several weeks’ with injury
- Manchester United break an unwanted record after Brighton loss
- Sofyan Amrabat set to miss game against Brighton
- Preview: Manchester United vs Brighton – What you need to know
- Jadon Sancho set to train away from first team squad
What has David de Gea been up to? I’ve heard rumors from my top of the line insider sources that de Gea, using his unique knowledge of saving, has started his own bank in the free time! Personally I think de Gea would do well running a bank, definitely better than, for example, the ex-United Irish player Michael Keane, if you catch my drift. Sorry, I would have used a Greek player as an example, but we don’t have any Greeks. Maybe we’ll sign Samaras to solve our striker problem next year! Anyways, maybe the Glazers would do well to talk to de Gea about that nagging debt problem we seem to have.
I know for a fact that Phil Jones has been seeing a psychiatrist every two weeks because of his identity crisis. My guess is the conversation goes something like this…
Credit: @curtyb
Phil: I dunno doc, am I a right back, a center back, or a midfielder!?
Doc: Phil, I’ve seen you play. You’re not a midfielder.
(Phil makes one of his trademark faces)
Doc: Yes, we definitely need to talk about those faces, too.
And so on and so forth. I really hope Phil gets his crisis sorted out, it’s so sad to watch a young player struggle to find himself.
I don’t know what Chris Smalling has been up to, probably nothing too exciting.
Jonny Evans, however, is attending AA! Yes, that’s right, Athletes Anonymous. I think he’s taking it to heart that fans have virtually forgotten his existence. Other athletes I’ve heard that go there are Tiger Woods, the entire NASCAR community (though they’re there only to find out if they’re actually athletes), and Brett Favre! They’re also reportedly working on controlling their anger, trying to avoid any spats and the sort. Let’s hope Jonny gets used to fading from the public’s eye, I don’t see it changing any time soon.
Marcos Rojo has been working with Coca Cola as an on call consultant to design safer drinking bottles. I hope Rojo can use his expertise in bottle breaking mechanics to make the world a safer place for us all. I for one don’t want to live in a society with the threat of a bottle being broken on my head.
Luke Shaw has reportedly been spending a lot of time napping. Poor guy was too tired to play against Sunderland the other week, so I’m sure he needs to catch up on his beauty rest. It must be tough work keeping that perfect hairstyle. Hopefully Shaw finds the fountain of youth, we need him at left back to close out the season! Wait, he’s only 19?
Daley Blind has been using his name to his advantage by selling curtains, drapes, and blinds. Yeah, yeah, puns. Sorry! It’s hard to joke about a guy as cool as Daley. Anyways, he’s opened a Daley Blinds store, serving all your window needs. His company’s slogan, from what I reckon, should be “The best service you’ll ever have!”
Angel di Maria has been beefing up security at his house after that recent break in. I think he went as far to hire a former Buckingham Palace guard, who won’t even move when someone runs at him. Reminds me of how the EPL defenses react when di Maria runs at them!
Ander Herrera has been running a betting service for the Champions League matches. Clearly a better strategy this time around, now he can only answer to himself if he decides to match fix!
Juan Mata has been hanging out with Iniesta and Xavi on the bench during Barca’s UCL games, asking if he can be part of their gang. I can’t help but feel bad for the guy, he already had to watch on the bench while Spain got knocked out of the World Cup! At least he had de Gea to keep him company.
Van Persie has been going to karaoke bars during the matches and only singing one song… “I Will Survive” by Gloria Gaynor. It must be tough dealing with only being mediocre after so many years of being one of the best. Let’s all hope van Persie does indeed survive.
Lastly, James Wilson has been auditioning for a new role after his first part was a success when he played a volleyball in the movie Castaway. Good thing he did, otherwise he’d be startled whenever someone screams Wilson!!! after he scores.
Oh, and supposedly Louis van Gaal has been journeying back to Amsterdam on day trips to partake in the local “cuisine”. “Yeahhhhh dude, we really need more balance man. It’s all about balance. Like a teeter totter! Duuuuude let’s go find a teeter totter!”